|
Spot the golf writer. Clive Agran (right) ready to tee off in the Iskandar Johor Open alongside Rick Kulacz (left)
|
Freelance journalist, Clive Agran modestly describes himself as the ‘most gifted golf writer either side of the Urals.’ Despite his 15 handicap and advancing years, the smooth swinging member at Dale Hill Hotel in East Sussex, still believes he can win at least one major. Until that happens, however, he is obliged to earn a crust travelling the globe, reviewing golf destinations, staying in the finest hotels and working on his short game. When not fluffing chips or three-putting, he'll keep us up to speed every week on what he's up to - wherever he is in the world - and how many free rounds of golf he’s managed to blag. Don’t be jealous, just enjoy.
MY PLAYING partners huddled around me as I stood on the 12th tee at the Royal Johor Country Club in Malaysia as Retief Goosen and his royal playing partner passed by on an adjacent fairway. It was a scene curiously reminiscent of the good ol’ days when a rugby player had torn his shorts and his team-mates shielded him as he whipped them off, slipped on a fresh pair and ceremoniously tossed the ripped ones into the air.
On this occasion, however, the shorts weren’t damaged and the principal purpose of the protective screen was to avoid offending His Royal Highness and, possibly, the two-time major champion, with the unwelcome sight of my knees.
Royal Johor has the distinction of being the only course in Malaysia that doesn’t permit the wearing of shorts. And I had the dubious distinction of being the only player among 150 to be bearing his knees. The fact that it was uncomfortably warm and sticky was, of course, no excuse and so I relied on the fact that I had flown in late the night before, was still jet-lagged and hadn’t prepared myself as thoroughly as I traditionally do for such an important event as the Iskandar Johor Open Pro-Am.
Being improperly dressed wasn’t the only mistake I had made. It was a shot-gun start and my team started at the fifth tee. Rick Kulacz, a 23-year-old Australian who won the Brunei Open at the end of August, got our team underway with a huge drive. At the time I thought my playing partners were just being polite in inviting me to tee off second, but I now realise they were probably endeavouring to get me off the tee and out of the way as soon as possible.
Anyway, my drive, while comfortably more than 100 yards behind Rick’s, betrayed no hint of jet-lag and, although just off the fairway, was perfectly serviceable. I was therefore rather miffed when my caddie promptly picked up my ball!
Seeing the puzzled look on my face, Hisham, one of my delightful playing partners, whispered, “Texas scramble.”(a game where you only play the best ball of four until you hole out). It wasn’t until we’d played another half-a-dozen holes rather poorly, and had consequently thoroughly bonded, that he felt he knew me well enough to bring up the delicate subject of my shorts.
As Alex, another member of our cheery group, pointed out, the format rendered the four amateurs largely redundant. On all but the par-3s, our tee shots were never going to improve upon Rick’s and only rarely were our approaches likely to be better than his. And so only when it came to putting were we likely to be able to help.
My most telling contribution was suggesting that Rick should perhaps putt last, thus benefiting from having watched ours miss. Initially baffled that the young Australian didn’t care for my cunning ploy, I subsequently realised that he was keen to putt first so that he could then practice his bunker play while the rest of us were busy missing our putts. Still, I was hardly in a position to rebuke him because he was at least wearing long trousers.
For the record, my team scored seven-under, Retief Goosen won the Iskandar Johor Open, Rick Kulacz's single-minded approach secured him a share of 14th place and my shorts are safely back in the bottom drawer of my cupboard.
Have you ever been embarrassed or caught improperly dressed on the golf course. Tell us on the forum.
Discuss this story
This thread of yours isn't doing so well Bob , Maybe I can raise a smile and point out a problem that occurs for men and women on the Golf Course , lets see if you agree or delete my true story. One autumn day when the wind and rain made a mockery of our dress sense , I was playing in a mixed four ball at Boysnope GC my home turf , the players were as follows , Sham , Will (shams Son) Nick (shams Son in Law) and Baby sham (Nicola Sham's Daughter) , We were all covered in Waterproofs and looked a sorry lot , BUT as always we were having fun, we were wet but still having fun , we were approaching the the 6th hole and due to a bitterly cold wind and the incessant pitter patter of the falling rain we men felt the need to visit the shrubbery , being 4 holes and half a course to traverse to the nearest toilet a tree makes a very good substitute , Baby sham was left on the Tee as look out and golf tackle watcher , while the men in her life struggled with waterproofs and zips and with much aplomb relieved themselves of excess water. It happens on every course through out the land and I suspect every Golfer has suffered the same problem and used the same solution to save a long and painful walk and possible catastrophic accident in transit. Not yet bob, read on. \on returning to the Tee refreshed , we saw Baby sham doing the Penguin hop , I can honestly say I've never given the females exact same problem as the men's any thought , whether its a better bladder control or a fete of super human resolve I've never seen a woman go behind a tree , well Baby sham was now hopping at an increased rate and was very agitated , a few choice words soon explained her Predicament , and being the Eldest and a father and taking my role as THE Father figure I suggested she copied our solution and we the Men Would stand guard and warn of any approaching Golfers , she finally succumb to the pressure of the moment and dived in to the deepest and densest shrubbery , while the men with backs turned stood guard and were subjected to the pitter patter of the rain suddenly turning in to a noisy deluge , rather embarrassing moment for all concerned. On Mastermind the catch phrase " I've started so I'll finish " springs to mind , about half way through my Daughters ordeal a Shout from the next fairway had us Men in Hysterics and trying to stuff our mouths with sleeves and gloves in an attempt to stifle our Guffaws and uncontrollable Laughter. " GO ON GIRL!! , SHAKE YER LETTUCE!!!!!! ", the above phrase so eloquently spoken by Magnus Magnusson was never so apt , our laughter didn't subside but increased with each passing moment as the flow continued, we searched for the shouter but there was no one about , what seemed like minutes but was only seconds Baby sham returned to the Tee about 8 shades of sun tan Deeper than before she left us, her language was shall we say unladylike , we men just stood there and took our verbal lashing like real men , yes , we laughed all the way through her diatribe , eventually she saw the funny side of it and the rather descriptive word Lettuce used in them circumstances. Before you start saying disgusting behaviour know this , we had all visited the toilet before venturing on to the course and to coin that old saying , " When you have to go , you HAVE to go " Now this is a True story , it happened exactly as I have reported it , I should know for I am that SHAM. Now I await your Decision Bob
Posted: 10/11/2008 20:23
Sham, where did the shout of "lettuce" come from after all ? I recently played in a mixed foursomes comp and was abit surprised that one of the ladies went woodwards after doing the penguin dance. Natural I suppose, but after that I never looked at her the same way.
Posted: 10/11/2008 23:13
I wasn't being Cruel TXL, I had just fallen foul of the word Lettuce and the effect it had on mine and the other two's minds , it was a perfectly timed one worded punchline/word that there was no Defence against , it struck at each of our funny bone's , we couldn't help ourselves , we instantly crumbled in to laughing wrecks , I feel ashamed at my inability to protect my child , whoever it was could not see her hidden from view and he must have seen where she was going and her intent , but his timing was perfection, I've never heard the word Lettuce used in that context before or since , and I avoid that word in Baby shams presence to this present day. Spine and (forgive the Pun) flow , I can beat your experience , while replacing a clutch in my van in a lay-by on Bodmin moor on our way home from holidaying in Cornwall , with the van raised on my only jack my brother and I were working on our backs struggling to refit the gearbox , my brother let out a yelp , we've got a leak sham , there's hot water coming from somewhere and my head is lying in it , he turned his head looking for the source of the quickly expanding pool of water just in time to see our mother at the kerb side of the van pulling up her knickers. You will never see two fully grown men move so fast , luckily I was carrying a water container and my brother washed his hair for a good twenty minutes as I was yet again hysterical and incapable of controlling my laughter, Mothers only words were " I couldn't wait any longer " , the slope on the lay-by had done the rest. Luckily it was 30 degrees and it soon dried up the offending fluid and we finished the repair in quick time and on reaching Exeter Services spent an hour cleaning up and the repeated washing of poor brothers hair. this is also a true story but nothing to do with Golf.
Posted: 10/11/2008 23:49
Sham. Pass this on to your daughter. I am sure it would help, and by the way they also make them for us blokes as well http://www.blushingbuyer.co.uk/product/286/990778/shewee.html
Posted: 11/11/2008 11:37
Was it Clive Agran who wrote a monthly piece in one of the golf mags a few years ago about getting down to single figures? Whoever it was it was entertaining.
Posted: 11/11/2008 17:06
|
|
