I'm best man for my brother later in the month. We've got his stag doo coming up and we're playing golf on one of the days. He's also been playing more and more golf so a good golf joke is required for my speech.

Anyone got any cracking one liners i can throw in the bag?

Slugger

Try THIS one for SIZE -literally

One sunny Sunday afternoon , a couple of women were teeing off on the ninth fairway when one of them hooked wildly and her ball soared through the air straight at a group of golfers on an adjoining hole. To their dismay they heard a terrible scream and as they ran to apologise they found one of the men rolling around in agony on the ground.

"Oh my goodness" gasped one of the wome looking down down at the curled up figure of the man, now groaning loudly, his hands clasped between his legs.

"I'm sure I can help you" she said. "I'm a masseuse and I can relieve the pain" Ignoring his protests, she knelt down, undid his trousers and began to massage him. After a few minutes she said"THere, how does that feel?" "Fine" he replied with a satisfied look on his face, "but my thumb still hurts terribly" 

 Two women watching Rugby League. "Great tackle", called out one. "Nice bum too" added the other

How about,

I wonder whether he is going to get any golf in on his honeymoon.

I went on mine with a couple of golf balls and came back with a couple of marbles

Boa - one liner? Thats an essay.

One line golf joke - Ian Poulter?

how about a quote that can be changed a bit:

Anonymous

Drive for show, Putt for dough, Shank for comic relief.

Golf is a game where the ball lies poorly, and the players well.

Real golfers know how to count over five, when they have a bad hole.

Real golfers don't miss putts, they get robbed.

In golf as in life, it's the follow through that makes the difference.

Golf is an easy game... it's just hard to play.

Real golfers don't cry when they line up their fourth putt.

If there is any larceny in man, golf will bring it out.

Ben Hogan

I play with friends, but we don't play friendly games.

Relax? How can anybody relax and play golf? You have to grip the club don't you?

As you walk down the fairway of life you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round.

Bob Allen

The fun you get from golf is in direct ratio to the effort you don't put into it.

Bobby Jones

Competitive golf is played mainly on a five-and-a-half-inch course, the space between your ears.

Bob Hope

Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.'

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.

Byron Nelson

The only shots you can be dead sure of are those you've had already.

Dave Hill

The golf swing is like sex. You can't be thinking about the mechanics of the act while you are performing.

Golf is the hardest game in the world to play, and the easiest to cheat at.

Gary Player

The harder you work, the luckier you get.

Harry Tofcano

I'm hitting the woods just great, but I'm having a terrible time getting out of them.

Jack Nicklaus

Golf is not and has never has been a fair game.

I think I fail just a bit less than everyone else

Slugger

The only golf joke I know is my brothers handicap. 

 i take no credit for this but for ease I've copied and pasted the text from the "where's the jokes" thread - this one from Bognorbelter could be adapted:

When [brothers name] proposed to [wife to be] she was really very pleased. and to show her appreciation, when [brothers name] came home one night from work, he was greeted by [wife to be] dressed in a very sexy sheer nightie.

'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'

So he tied her up and went golfing...............

or would that not go down well at a family wedding??