What has this got to do with golf?

Well, actually, not very much, but if you take the time to read it, you will laugh your belly off!!!

Sat, 24 Jun 2000

What has this got to do with golf?

Now, a few weeks ago, our intrepid correspondent Alex Bangert was invited down to a Taylor Made Golf day with the England Football squad for a bit of publicity on behalf of Nationwide Building society, Taylor Made and Adidas Golf.

Apparently, the day was a complete success, apart from the weather, and Taylor Made staff players teamed up with the England Golf bandits and a few golf hacks.

Once the day was complete, there was not a journalist there who didn't think it was England's best chance to win a major piece of silverware since 1966.

However, that was where it all went wrong! They went out…badly.

Pondering England's exit from Euro 2000 in bed last night I stumbled upon an interesting analysis of the national team based on two recent TV ads from Nike and Adidas.

In the Adidas advert a truck of balls is opened up in a town square and a number of top European stars (including Monsieur Beckham) play around with them.

But if you look very carefully at the ad, while all the foreign players like Alessandro Del Piero and Zinidine Zidane perform some wonderful tricks and flicks...David Beckham smacks the ball 50 yards into a canal!!!

In the Nike advert some more top Euro stars, this time sponsored by Nike, attempt to break a football out of a top security museum and after Edgar Davids' hair sets off the alarm they are forced to use unbounded skills and quality passing to defeat the hordes of evil guards before killing the boss and then jumping out of a window onto a helicopter.

Next time you watch it just imagine England are trying to do the same thing and consider the outcome...

Even before we got in the building Darren Anderton would be unavailable through injury and Gary Neville would be too scared to go in.

His brother Phil would be at the museum across town - out of position again.

David Seaman would be injured opening the door and Nigel Martyn would be grafted in at the last minute.

The alarm would be set off by the bungling Emile Heskey and then a succession of shinned passes would end with Alan Shearer trapping the ball 20 yards before Sol Campbell, terrified by the prospect of having the ball at his feet, wallops it 60 yards through the window to the waiting Kevin Keegan.

However the England boss is on a Chopper bike rather than a helicopter. While all this is going on Paul Ince is shouting at the security guard, Steve McManaman is hiding behind a piece of dowling and Dennis Wise, Michael Owen and Martin Keown are nowhere to be seen.

As the building blows up the camera pans away to show Keegan cyling off the wrong direction before hitting a pylon and falling off.

Utter pants.

Now Alex being a football fan of the highest order reckons that if the England football team could play the "beautiful game" as well as they can bandit their way around a golf course, we would have won the last five World Cups, strolled through Euro 2000 and had Brazilians begging to teach us how to play the game properly…but we cant!

What has this got to do with golf? Not a lot!



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