7 of the best golf jokes

Because we could all do with a laugh right now...

Andy Roberts's picture
Tue, 17 Mar 2020

GOLF JOKE 1 

Miguel and Wesley are playing golf at their favorite course, but on every hole they are being held up by a two-ball of women who are always half a hole ahead.

The women are great golfers, but they are playing terribly slow. Finally, after watching the women in the distance as they stood over their putts for what seemed like an eternity, Wesley decided to do something.

"I'll walk ahead and ask them if we can play through," Wesley said. He set off down the fairway, walking towards the women. But when he got halfway, he stopped, turned around and headed back to where Miguel waited.

"Can't do it," Wesley said, sounding mighty embarrassed. "One of them is my wife and the other is my mistress!"

READ: GOLFMAGIC READERS POST THEIR FAVOURITE GOLF JOKES

"OK," Miguel said with understanding. "Then I'll go ask them."

Miguel started up the fairway, only to stop halfway and turn back.

"What's wrong?" Wesley asked when Miguel got back.

To which Miguel could only reply: "Small world, isn't it?"

(Golf joke source: www.thoughtco.com)

GOLF JOKE 2

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls".

It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?

Signed,
Perplexed

GOLF JOKE 3

Lee and Gary head out to the golf course for a quick nine holes. On the first tee, Lee turns to Gary and says, "What do you say we make this time worth something. Play you for five bucks?" Gary agrees, and they start their rounds.

It's a great game, and the two lifelong friends reach the No. 9 tee box with Gary ahead by one stroke. After Lee hits a great drive, right down the middle, Gary steps up and promptly hooks a ball into deep rough and trees.

"C'mon," Gary says to Lee, "help me find my ball. I'll look in this patch of trees, and you look around over there."

They look and look and look, but no ball can be found. The five-minute time limit on searching for lost balls is about to run out. Gary gets desperate. He gives a quick glance over to Lee to see if he is looking, then swiftly reaches into his pocket and drops a new ball into the rough.

"Found my ball!" Gary shouts out triumphantly.

Lee looks at his friend with great disappointment. "After all the years we've been friends," Lee says, "you'd cheat me at golf for a measly five bucks?"

"What do you mean cheat?" Gary asks indignantly. "I found my ball sitting right here!"

Lee lets out a heavy sigh. "And you'd lie to me, too? All for a tiny little sum of money? You'd cheat me and lie to me, for what? For five bucks? I can't believe you'd stoop so low."

"Well what makes you so sure I'm cheating and lying, anyway?" Gary asks.

"Because," Lee replies, "I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"

GOLF JOKE 4

James and his friend Tom were playing a round of golf with their wives early on a Sunday. It was a four ball, better ball format with a little bit of cash on the line.

James stood on the 10th tee having hooked his previous three tee shots, and to no one's surprise he hooked his drive again. When he found his ball, it was right up against one of the greenskeeper's buildings. His wife advised him to hit the shot through a narrow gap between the side of the building and some branches.

"I can't do that," James said. "Look how narrow that gap is!" But his wife was persistent in urging him on, and she persuaded James to attempt the risky shot.

So James took a mighty swing and struck the ball ... and the ball caromed off a tree branch, ricocheted off the building and hit his wife in the head, knocking her stone cold dead.

A week after the funeral, James and another friend, Ashley, were having a round. James teed up the ball on No. 10 and hit the exact shot he had hit a week before.

He found his ball in the same spot, and once again his partner advised him to hit through the gap.

"No way," James said. "I can't hit that shot."

"Why not?" Ashley asked him.

"Well," James replied, "you know what happened last time."

"No, I don't," said Ashley. "What happened?"

"Well, last time I tried that shot," James said, "I made a double bogey!"

GOLF JOKE 5

A man was addressing the ball when an announcement came over the loudspeaker: "Will the gentleman on hole number one please not hit from the Ladies' tee box."

The man backs away, a little distracted, then approaches his ball again. As he does, the same announcement comes over the loud-speaker: "Will the gentleman on hole number one please not hit from the Ladies' tee box."

The man is getting irritated now, and after backing away from his shot, approaches his ball one more time. This time the announcement came: "We really need the gentleman on hole number one to move off of the Ladies' tee box!"

To which the man turns around and yells: "And I really need the announcer to shut up and let me play my second shot!" 

(Golf joke source: PGA.com)

GOLF JOKE 6

A United States citizen is vacationing on his own in Ireland. He decides to play a round of golf and is paired with three local gents.

He takes a few practice swings, steps up to the first tee, and proceeds to hook the ball out of bounds. He shakes his head, reaches in his pocket, and re-tees another ball. He tells his playing partners that he is taking a Mulligan. He pounds one down the center of the fairway about 280 yards out.

With a big smile, he asks the others "In the US, we call that a Mulligan; was wondering what you called it here in Ireland."

GOLF JOKE 7

Four golfers went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf.

The pro asked: "Did you guys have a good game today?"

The first golfer said: "Yes, I had three riders today."

The second golfer said:"I had the most riders ever. I had five."

The third golfer said: "I had seven riders, the same as last time."

The last golfer said: "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today."

After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the guys talking about their game went to the pro and said: "I've been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what's a rider?"

The pro said: "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to actually get in the golf cart and ride to it."

After a moment of silence, one of the locals replies, "Hitting three."

What's the best golf joke you've ever heard before? Let us know on social media. 

 

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