TV Golf Awards 2000.
We all wan't their job because we know we could do better. Could we? I don't think so. These are the creme de la creme of World Golf commentators, presenters and experts. They are fallible, but we know they do a brilliant job in educating us in what's happening around the world golf tournaments each week.
Without them, we would have to sit in silence and watch our favourite sport and we thought we should award them for their services to the game.
Best Ad Libber. This prestigious title goes to Sky Sport's David Livingstone. Others were eligible, but the frequency of the adverts on American TV suggests that Livvo had his work cut out more than the chaps did from the beeb. Congratulations David, you have won a years supply of 'sun-in' for your efforts.
Best Humour. Gary McCord takes this title, just fending off colleague David Feherty. 'The McCordisms' won over the panel by a whisker, (which we have now bikini-waxed). Love to see you at the Masters Gary! Bring it up to date a touch.
Best Haircut. OK Ewen, the sponsorship from the hairspray company has helped you pick up this award. So neatly lacquered and never out of place, magnificent! Ewen had some tough opposition with colleague Livvo, but after a visit to Dewhurst, Livvo was out of the running. Roger Maltbie was declined entry to this award.
Worst Haircut. Being a Californian, it was somewhat of a surprise that Bobby Clampett picked up this award. The blonde locks have not improved since that fateful day in 1982, when the world went pear-shaped for Mr C. You have won a visit to Dewhurst, where I am sure the boss could help chop off a few curls!
Best Dressed Commentator. Yet another award for the super slick David Livingstone. Many a dark winter's evening has brightened due to the colourful attire worn by Livvo. This was a close call between Livvo and Ewen. (I can hear another squabble in the Sky Sports changing rooms coming up.)
Worst dressed Commentator. The panel could not decide on an outright winner, so sharing this award for an equal period of six months each is Bruce Critchley and Julian Tutt. Each man will appear on 'Style Challenge' for their efforts (or lack of) this year. Ken Brown saved himself at the finish. He recently bought a new pair of trainers!
Funniest One-liner. "If I were Westwood, I would hole that putt to see what colour his trousers were". Congratulations Ken, you have won the right to keep your job, just! Your director has a lifetime's supply of beta-blockers to help with his heart problem while you are thinking of more razor sharp funnies! David Feherty and Gary McCord have been upstaged a bit with Ken's victory. The panel decided that it was so unusual for Browny to make such a remark. The award should go to him.
Best Groveller. Yet again this year's closing ceremony at The Masters you will see Jim (how do I look?) Nantz virtually polish the shoes of Hootie Johnson, thanking him for a wonderful tournament etc, etc just so that CBS can film again next year. Frank Chirkinian (the producer) will be happy, even if the viewers are not.
Best at using Technology. Without a doubt, Alex Hay. Whereas the US analysts just scribble over the screen, the quiet Scot, makes precise lines demonstrating all the vulnerable aspects of a near perfect golf swing. Andy Gray, you could learn something here!
Worst at using Technology. Curtis 'the scribbler' Strange. It's not a doodle book Curtis; it's there to show the viewers what's happening. Please call the Beeb and speak to Alex Hay. Failing that, just talk us through it better.
Best Expert. Without a doubt, the panel agreed with one name only, Butch Harmon. If you can fiddle with the perfect swings of Woods, Love Darren Clarke and once upon a time Greg Norman, you must know what you are talking about.
Best Commentator. A tough decision to make after listening to the likes of McCord, Feherty, Aliss, Hay and Critchley. Although relatively new compared to some of the other contenders, Ewen Murray tops them all with his 'no-nonsense' approach to the game and knowledge of the subject. The Masters on Sky (providing everyone could get it) would be an exiting prospect with Murray, Critchley and Livvo at the helm.
Most Knowledgeable of them all Bruce Critchley has forgotten more about golf than most of us have learned in our lifetime. The all seeing Oracle known as the Colonel on Sky Sports is a mentor for all wannabe golf anoraks. Bruce, you're the bloke!